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Jokes and Cool Stuff!

Funny jokes and really neat stuff that I have picked up here and there! 
I have gotten some of this cool stuff from various places, and I'm not sure if it is all copyrighted or not.  Where I know who created it, I will give the appropriate credit.  If I have posted something that is copyrighted, please let me know, and I'll be happy to give credit where credit is due!

Buying a Fishing Rod
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
 
There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, Sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
 
He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
 
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
 
He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."
 
She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
 
He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and passes gas. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
 
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
 
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
 
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

Translating from 'Manspeak' to plain English ...
 
1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.
 
2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.
 
3. "Will you Marry me?"
MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no peanut butter left.
 
4. "It's a guy thing . "
MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
 
5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?
 
6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
 
7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.
 
8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
 
9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
 
10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: are you still talking?
 
11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.
 
12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?
 
13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and women.
 
14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
 
15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a bikini thong.
 
16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.
 
17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: what did you catch me at?
 
18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: she refused to make my coffee.
 
19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.
 
20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.
 
21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.
 
22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.
 
23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.
 
24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.
 
*************************************************************

JACK AND THE DRAGON
 
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "Jack and the Dragon." He knocked.
  
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked.
  
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Well then, might I have a pint of ale?"
  
"No!" she shouted.
  
"'Tis frightful cold out...Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
  
"No!" she shouted again.
  
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
  
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with Jack?"

chef.gif

The Experiment
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.  "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
 
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
 
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.  One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
 
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
 
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..." 

marthastewart.jpg

Real Women vs. Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake. You're probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
 
Martha Stewart: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
 
Martha Stewart: When a recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead of flour and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Women: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
 
Martha Stewart: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess for an instant "fix me up."
Real Women: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad. I made it and you will eat it.
 
Martha Stewart: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting it in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Real Women: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
 
Martha Stewart: Brush some beaten egg white over a piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
 
Martha Stewart: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women: Take a lime, cut it in half and mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
 
Martha Stewart: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women: Go ask the very cute neighbor to open it for you.
 
Martha Stewart: Don't throw away all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women: Leftover wine?

A New Year's Prayer
 
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the I.R.S.

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May New Year's Eve find you seated around the table, together with your
beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the
environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more
fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance  -  and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse,
your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God's love
in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile,  every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.
                                                                             ~Author Unknown~

NOTICE:  The jokes and cool stuff you see on this page were mostly found on the internet or sent to me by friends.  I don't have enough imagination to think this stuff up!